“Star Trek Lost Episodes” transcript.
- Picard: “Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?”
- Geordi: “Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology.”
(Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.)
- Riker: (looks puzzled.) “What the hell is `Microsoft’?”
- Data: (turns to answer.) “Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called `Windows’, through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate.”
- Picard: “But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won’t they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?”
- Data: “Yes, Captain. But when `Windows’ detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an `upgrade’. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions.”
- Picard: “Excellent work. This is even better than that `unsolvable geometric shape’ idea.”
. . . 15 Minutes Later . . .
- Data: “Captain, we have successfully installed the `Windows’ in the Borg’s command unit. As expected, it immediately consumed 85% of all available resources. However, we have not received any confirmation of the expected `upgrade’.”
- Geordi: “Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity, but we still have no indication of an `upgrade’ to compensate for their increase.”
- Picard: “Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something we have missed.”
- Data: “Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the `upgrade’. Appearently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.”
- Riker: “Captain, we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F ….”
- Geordi: (excited) “Wait, Captain! Their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !”
- Picard: “Data, what does your scanners show?”
- Data: (studying displays) “Appearently the Borg have found the internal `Windows’ module named `Solitaire’, and it has used up all available CPU capacity.”
- Picard: “Let’s wait and see how long this `Solitaire’ can reduce their functionality.”
. . . Two Hours Pass . . .
- Riker: “Geordi, what is the status of the Borg?”
- Geordi: “As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more `Windows’ modules from something called the `Microsoft Fun-pack’.
- Picard: “How much time will that buy us?”
- Data: “Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours.”
- Geordi: “Captain, another vessel has entered our sector.”
- Picard: “Identify.”
- Data: “It appears to have markings very similar to the ‘Microsoft’ logo…”
- (Over the speakers:) “THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP _MONOPOLY_. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURREDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS TO COMPLY.”
- Data: “The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid-shaped objects.”
- Picard: “Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft!”
- Riker: “My God, captain! Those are human beings floating straight toward the Borg ship – with no life support suits! How can they survive the tortures of deep space?!”
- Data: “I don’t believe that those are humans, sir. If you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doeskin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits.”
- Riker and Picard: (together – horrified) “Lawyers!!”
- Geordi: “It can’t be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening.”
- Data: “True, but appearently some must have survived.”
- Riker: “They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers.”
- Data: “I believe that is known in ancient venacular as `red tape’. It often proves fatal.”
- Riker: “They’re tearing the Borg to pieces!”
- Picard: “Turn the monitors off, Data, I cant bear to watch. Even the Borg doesnt deserve such a gruesome death!”
At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: “If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon.” In response to Bill’s comments General Motors issued a press release stating the following: “If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. The radio would be computerized, but you’d need to install 64 Meg of RAM, a new sound card, a game card, a new video driver, a CD drive, and type C:\radio\talk\rush*.* to get it to play.
2. The entire engine wouldn’t be in the bay at once, and the car would have to keep stopping and starting to load in the relevant parts.
3. The speedometer would read 70 even though you are only doing 50.
4. You would have to have a full service every 500 miles.
5. Your car would refuse to start with a message “Abort, Retry, Fail?”
6. For some reason the engine controller would need a 1G hard disc and would take 5 minutes to boot up.
7. The steering wheel would be replaced with a mouse and you’d need to memorize the keyboard short-cut for “Brake”.
8. A particular model year of car wouldn’t be available until after that year- instead of before it.
9. They wouldn’t build their own engines but form a cartel with their engine supplier. The latest engine would have 16 cylinders, multi-point fuel injection and 4 turbos, but it would be a side-valve design so you could use Model-T Ford parts on it. There would be an “Engium Pro” with bigger turbos, but it would be slower on most existing roads.
10. The air bag system would say “Are you sure?” before going off.
11. New seats would require everyone to have the same butt size.
12. We would all have to switch to Microsoft Gas.
13. The U.S. government would be forced to rebuild all of the roads for Microsoft cars; they will drive on the old roads, but they run very slowly.
14. The oil, alternator, gas and engine warning lights would be replaced by a single ‘General Car Fault’ warning light.
15. Sun MotorSystems would make a car that was solar-powered, twice as reliable and five times as fast, but would run on only 5% of the roads.
16. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car.
17. You could have only one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a Car95 or CarNT — but then you would have to buy ten more seats and a new engine.
18. Occasionally, your car would die for NO apparent reason and you would have to restart it. Strangely, you would just accept this as normal.
18b. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail to restart and you’d have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you’d just accept this, too.
19. Every time the lines of the road were repainted, you would have to buy a new car.
20. People would get excited about the new features of the latest Microsoft cars, forgetting that these same features had been available from other car makers for years.
No, Windows is not a virus. Here’s what viruses (viri?) do:
1.They replicate quickly — okay, Windows does that.
2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so — okay, Windows does that.
3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk — okay, Windows does that, too.
4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh… Windows does that, too.
5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that’s with Windows, too.
Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.
So, Windows is not a virus.
- Luke: Obi-Wan! You told me that the Macintosh was a dead platform.
- Ben: Macintosh was seduced by the dark side. It ceased to truly be Apple and became an aspect of Microsoft. When that happened, the good system which was the Macintosh was destroyed. So what I have told you was true… from a certain point of view.
- Luke: A certain point of view!
- Ben: Luke, you’re going to find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view.
- Luke: There’s still good in the Macintosh.
- Ben: I also thought it could be turned back to the good side. It couldn’t be done. It is more machine now than interface. Twisted and evil.
- Luke: I can’t abandon the Macintosh platform.
- Ben: Then Bill has already won. You were our only hope.
There was a knock on the door. It was the man from Microsoft.
- “Not you again,” I said.
- “Sorry,” he said, a little sheepishly. “I guess you know why I’m here.”
Indeed I did. Microsoft’s $300 million campaign to promote the Windows 95 operating system was meant to be universally effective, to convince every human being on the planet that Windows 95 was an essential, some would say integral, part of living. Problem was, not everyone had bought it. Specifically, I hadn’t bought it.
I was the Last Human Being Without Windows 95.
And now this little man from Microsoft was at my door, and he wouldn’t take no for an answer.
- “No,” I said.
- “You know I can’t take that,” he said, pulling out a copy of Windows95 from a briefcase. “Come on. Just one copy. That’s all we ask.”
- “Not interested.” I said. “Look, isn’t there someone else you can go bother for a while? There’s got to be someone else on the planet who doesn’t have a copy.”
- “Well, no,” The Microsoft man said. “You’re the only one.”
- “You can’t be serious. Not everyone on the planet has a computer,” I said. “Hell, not everyone on the planet has a PC! Some people own Macintoshes, which run their own operating system. And some people who have PCs run OS/2, though I hear that’s just a rumor. In short, there are some people who just have no use for Windows 95.”
The Microsoft man look perplexed. “I’m missing your point,” he said.
- “Use!” I screamed. “Use! Use! Use! Why BUY it, if you can’t USE it?”
- “Well, I don’t know anything about this ‘use’ thing you’re going on about,” The Microsoft man said. “All I know is that according to our records, everyone else on the planet has a copy.”
- “People without computers?”
- “Got ‘em.”
- “Amazonian Indians?”
- “We had to get some malaria shots to go in, but yes.”
- “The Amish.”
- “Oh, come on,” I said. “They don’t even wear BUTTONS. How did you get them to buy a computer operating system?”
- “We told them there were actually 95 very small windows in the box,” the Microsoft man admitted. “We sort of lied. Which means we are all going to Hell, every single employee of Microsoft.” He was somber for a minute, but then perked right up. “But that’s not the point!” he said. “The point is, EVERYONE has a copy. Except you.”
- “So what?” I said. “If everyone else jumped off a cliff, would you expect me to do it, too?”
- “If we spent $300 million advertising it? Absolutely.”
- “Jeez, back to that again,” the Microsoft man said. “Hey. I’ll tell you what. I’ll GIVE you a copy. For free. Just take it and install it on your computer.” He waved the box in front of me.
- “No,” I said again. “No offense, pal. But I don’t need it. And frankly, your whole advertising blitz has sort of offended me. I mean, it’s a computer operating system! Great. Fine. Swell. Whatever. But you guys are advertising it like it creates world peace or something.”
- “It did.”
- “World peace. It was part of the original design. Really. One button access. Click on it, poof, end to strife and hunger. Simple.”
- “So what happened?”
- “Well, you know,” he said. “It took up a lot of space on the hard drive. We had to decide between it or the Microsoft Network. Anyway, we couldn’t figure out how to make a profit off of world peace.”
- “Go away,” I said.
- “I can’t,” he said. “I’ll be killed if I fail.”
- “You have got to be kidding,” I said.
- “Look,” the Microsoft man said, “We sold this to the AMISH. The Amish! Right now, they’re opening the boxes and figuring out they’ve been had. We’ll be pitchforked if we ever step into Western Pennsylvania again. But we did it. So to have YOU holding out, well, it’s embarassing. It’s embarassing to the company. It’s embarassing to the product. It’s embarassing to BILL.”
- “Bill Gates does not care about me,” I said.
- “He’s watching right now,” the Microsoft man said. “Borrowed one of those military spy satellites just for the purpose. It’s also got one of those high-powered lasers. You close that door on me, zap, I’m a pile of grey ash.”
- “He wouldn’t do that,” I said, “He might hit that copy of Windows 95 by accident.”
- “Oh, Bill’s gotten pretty good with that laser,” the Microsoft man said, nervously. “Okay. I wasn’t supposed to do this, but you leave me no choice. If you take this copy of Windows 95, we will reward you handsomely. In fact, we’ll give you your own Caribbean island! How does Montserrat sound?”
- “Terrible. There’s an active volcano there.”
- “It’s only a small one,” the Microsoft man said.
- “Look,” I said, “even if you DID convince me to take that copy of Windows 95, what would you do then? You’d have totally saturated the market. That would be it. No new worlds to conquer. What would you do then?”
The Microsoft man held up another box and gave it to me.
- “‘Windows 95….For Pets’?!?!?”
- “There’s a LOT of domestic animals out there,” he said.
I shut the door quickly. There was a surprised yelp, the sound of a laser, and then nothing.
- Luke: “You used to program.”
- Ben: “I was once a software engineer the same as your father.”
- Luke: “My father wasn’t a software engineer. He was a custodian at Lockheed-Martin.”
- Ben: “That’s what your Uncle told you. He didn’t hold with your father’s ideals. He thought he should go to work. Not gotten a degree.”
- Luke: “I wish I had known him.”
- Ben: “He was a cunning object-oriented analyst, and the best systems programmer in the galaxy. I understand you’ve become quite a good hacker yourself. And he was a good friend. For over ten years the systems programmers created user interfaces. Before the dark times. Before Microsoft.”
- Luke: “How did my father die?”
- Ben: “A young systems programmer named Bill Gates, who was a student until his mommy kicked him out of her basement, founded Microsoft and helped destroy the intuitive user interface. He betrayed and murdered the Macintosh. Gates was seduced by the Dark Side of Money.”
- Luke: “Money?”
- Ben: “Yes, Money is what gives a programmer his resources. It’s an exchange system created by human beings. It surrounds us. Works for us. Binds the economy together. Which reminds me. Your father wanted you to have this when you were old enough, but your Uncle wouldn’t allow it. He thought you’d follow old Obi-Wan on some damn idealistic crusade.”
- Luke: “What is it?”
- Ben: “It’s an object modeling tool. The weapon of a systems programmer. Not as random or clumsy as a lexical parser. An elegant compiler for a more civilized age.”
Microsoft Corporation has just announced a new PC keyboard designed specifically for Windows. In addition to the keys found on the standard keyboard, Microsoft’s new design adds several new keys which will make your Windows computing even more functional. The keys in development are:
1.GPF key–This key will instantly generate a General Protection Fault when pressed. Microsoft representatives state that the purpose of the GPF key is to save Windows users time by eliminating the need to run an application in order to produce a General Protection Fault.
2.$$ key–When this key is pressed, money is transferred automatically from your bank account to Microsoft without the need for further action or third party intervention.
3.ZD key–This key was developed specifically for reviewers of Microsoft products. When pressed it inserts random superlative adjectives in any text which contains the words Microsoft or Windows within the file being edited.
4.MS key–This key runs a Microsoft commercial entitled “Computing for Mindless Drones” in a 1″ x 1″ window.
5.FUD key–Self explanatory.
6.Chicago key–Generates do-nothing loops for months at a time.
7.IBM key–Searches your hard disk for operating systems or applications by vendors other than Microsoft and deletes them.
Scientists at the Centers for Disease Control and Symantec’s AntiVirus Research Center today confirmed that foot-and-mouth disease cannot be spread by Microsoft’s Outlook email application, believed to be the first time the program has ever failed to propagate a major virus.
“Frankly, we’ve never heard of a virus that couldn’t spread through Microsoft Outlook, so our findings were, to say the least, unexpected,” said Clive Sarnow, director of the CDC’s infectious disease unit.
The study was immediately hailed by British officials, who said it will save millions of pounds and thousands of man hours. “Up until now we have, quite naturally, assumed that both foot-and-mouth and mad cow were spread by Microsoft Outlook,” said Nick Brown, Britain’s Agriculture Minister. “By eliminating it, we can focus our resources elsewhere.”
However, researchers in the Netherlands, where foot-and-mouth has recently appeared, said they are not yet prepared to disqualify Outlook, which has been the progenitor of viruses such as “I Love You,” “Bubbleboy,” “Anna Kournikova,” and “Naked Wife,” to name but a few.
Said Nils Overmars, director of the Molecular Virology Lab at Leiden University: “It’s not that we don’t trust the research, it’s just that as scientists, we are trained to be skeptical of any finding that flies in the face of established truth. And this one flies in the face like a blind drunk sparrow.”
Executives at Microsoft, meanwhile, were equally skeptical, insisting that Outlook’s patented Virus Transfer Protocol (VTP) has proven virtually pervious to any virus. The company, however, will issue a free VTP patch if it turns out the application is not vulnerable to foot-and-mouth.
Such an admission would be embarrassing for the software giant, but Symantec virologist Ariel Kologne insisted that no one is more humiliated by the study than she is. “Only last week, I had a reporter ask if the foot-and-mouth virus spreads through Microsoft Outlook, and I told him, ‘Doesn’t everything?'” she recalled. “Who would’ve thought?”
In a surprise announcement today, Microsoft President Steve Ballmer revealed that the Redmond-based company will allow computer resellers and end-users to customize the appearance of the Blue Screen of Death (BSOD), the screen that displays when the Windows operating system crashes.
The move comes as the result of numerous focus groups and customer surveys done by Microsoft. Thousands of Microsoft customers were asked, “What do you spend the most time doing on your computer?”
A surprising number of respondents said, “Staring at a Blue Screen of Death.” At 54 percent, it was the top answer, beating the second place answer “Downloading XXXScans” by an easy 12 points.
“We immediately recognized this as a great opportunity for ourselves, our channel partners, and especially our customers,” explained the excited Ballmer to a room full of reporters.
Immense video displays were used to show images of the new customizable BSOD screen side-by-side with the older static version. Users can select from a collection of “BSOD Themes,” allowing them to instead have a Mauve Screen of Death or even a Paisley Screen of Death. Graphics and multimedia content can now be incorporated into the screen, making the BSOD the perfect conduit for delivering product information and entertainment to Windows users.
The BSOD is by far the most recognized feature of the Windows operating system, and as a result, Microsoft has historically insisted on total control over its look and feel. This recent
departure from that policy reflects Microsoft’s recognition of the Windows desktop itself as the “ultimate information portal.” By default, the new BSOD will be configured to show a random selection of Microsoft product information whenever the system crashes. Microsoft channel partners can negotiate with Microsoft for the right to customize the BSOD on systems they ship.
Major computer resellers such as Compaq, Gateway, and Dell are already lining up for premier placement on the new and improved BSOD.
Ballmer concluded by getting a dig in against the Open Source community. “This just goes to show that Microsoft continues to innovate at a much faster pace than open source. I have yet to see any evidence that GNU/Linux even has a BSOD, let alone a customizable one.”